Never have I ever met such a vile villain as you, Mr. Cinders,

A dark and dusty despot, you disgust me,

Neurotic, moronic, hypnotic, a dictatorial Dickie,

How’s about you clean the house, Stalin?


You’re an abominable mathematician, calculating, scheming,

Plotting your escape,

Like rats leaving a sinking ship, you’ve never been faithful,

Just ask Sophia and Greta, to name but a few!


Yes! I’ve had tea lights stick around longer,

But at least their short lives served a purpose,

Unlike you, about as helpful as a double decaf espresso on a

Monday morning,

And as sweet as marmite.


So don’t tell me to clean your mess, then take away my sponge,

Would you expect a barber to cut your hair without his scissors?

A builder to build you a house without his bricks?

A runner to run without his feet?

You’ve got me stumped by that one too!


And as for you, Sideshow Bob,

I’ll never trust a man in slip-on shoes again!

Hallway-shuffling, pussyfooting, backstabbing,

Dodgy-dealing, shape-shifting, piss-taking,

Garlic bread-guzzling, cutlery-shunning, holy water-throwing

Good-for-nothing namby-pamby!


Professor in Physics, physically inept,

I’ve seen molluscs with more backbone,


Scaredy-cat and scallywag,

Only cowards curry favour with cocks!



Wake up and smell the cumin, Mir Jafar,

You’ve gone far too far, you terrible and tyrannical twins,

Perhaps you should’ve used those lasers to fix your foresight!


But don’t worry, mummy will always have your backs,

Little Boy Wonder, Petit Prince, Mini Maharaja,

You say you’re still a friend,

But I wouldn’t bank on it!