I, Anne, did take thee, John, to be my unlawful husband,

‘Til death did us part.


Debt, doubt

Two houses too many

One bedsit too few, too late to change

The sea our only hope, but

Waves and tides no moon can control

A lunatic, a martyr, no hero

Life’s a beach.


I hid his oar, ornament for the loft,

Practiced the crocodile tears, not baring my

Teeth, dug deep into his lies, an

Eye for an Eye, a Tooth for a Tooth an

Oar for an Oar.

His virility engulfed by the sea, Seaton Carew, his Canoe,

His friend, his life, his excuse.


A double-headed paddle, a double-edged sword,

Darwin, Williams, Jones- who would find out?

I rang the kids,

I did not care. No quiver in my voice,

no ‘difficulties’ encountered. Unlike our

Jack, cast away, Panama calling.


The Hole in the Wall had dried up, so

We punctured the bedroom wall,

His oar-wielding arm did most of the damage,

His own propulsion, not mine,

A secret passage to a hidden world, no

Narnia- Hogwarts- more Cluedo.


Meanwhile, back upstairs, Catamaran-man was on the

Cards- play them right, Ace of Spades,

Shit-shoveller, dig a hole for yourself, dig your own grave, dig deep in your


He’d say Come May, the life insurance will pay,

We can leg it mate (it doesn’t have to be legitimate).


If I’d had my way, we’d haway on our toes,

tootsies, piggies, digits, left it all behind.

Plenty of rest for the wicked. One

Sun for the price of two.

Haway! On your boat

Son, leave it, the

Kids’ll be fine.