Graeme Grierson, the greengrocer from Gretna,

Betcha never met such a ghastly grapefruit-seller and garden pea-giver

What a goof, he’s as grim as they come.


Grey-haired and yellow-bellied, he’s a horridly fetid old creep,

Cat-calling like a coward from behind the cashbox –

“Woods ye loch a tickle ay mah limes, hen? Al let ye gie th’ zest oota me!”


Ah yes, a right old character, a sordid fellow in fact,

The sort of man you wouldn’t buy a used car from,

Nor cucumber to be exact!


Oh! He’s cumbersome, never charming,

And apologies for his appalling use of apostrophes,

He’s a catastrophe, two strawberries short of a punnet.


And while his grapes may be seedless,

Sadly the same can’t be said for this seedy get –

The gruesome Graeme Grieson,

The greengrocer from Gretna,

The good-for-nothing hen-heckler,

Ne’er-do-well and greens-seller,

They should call him Loyd, for he’s such a gross man indeed!